This just gets funner and funner!

I got through college babysitting. I think I've mentioned this before. There was a sweet family that kind of took me in under their wing, and I grew very close to the children. They were very young at that time, 3 and 1, but already were showing what ultimately would be their personalities. The boy, eager to learn, energetic and sweet, the girl reserved and quiet, but once she felt comfortable she was all in. I learned many things from them and their Mom. She was middle aged mom married to a Methodist priest. She was an excellent mother to them. She worked part time, seemed to be balanced and happy. She always seemed to be working on something with them, puzzles, games, drawing, or writing notes.

The one thing that struck me the most was how much she incorporated reading into their childhood. There were lots and lots of books around their house and the children loved to be read to. There was an adventure in each book. I spent countless hours sitting in their floor reading a book to them. When the oldest was in early elementary school, I remember their Mom telling me that she read chapter books to him. This was amazing to me. The fact that she would take this amount time with her child each and every day was selfless, but the fact that he loved that time together was priceless. I remember thinking: I'm gonna do that when I am a mom.

Nearly 10 years later, here I am a Mom. I began collecting books before I was even pregnant with my first child and had hundreds of Little Golden Books from various yard sales and thrift stores. I will never forget the gift she sent for my first baby: 3 books out of the Dr. Seuss Learning Library. So her passion for reading carried on to me and my children.

I guess it was when Josh was about a year old, we began introducing a routine of reading a book every night before bedtime. We would sit in the nursery, in the yellow rocking chair and read books like "Goodnight Moon, The Going to Bed Book, I Love You This Much, The Goodnight Book and The Good Morning Book" At first I remember it feeling awkward, but soon he began to listen and turn the pages. Now I at ages 4 and 6, reading is an integral part of our bedtime routine and something they look forward to every night. Each gets to pick out a book to read, we lay on Mommy and Daddy's bed together and either Daddy or I read the books to them. Then a bible story.

When Josh turned about 5, he seemed to be having a hard time falling asleep at bedtime, so I decided to try to read a chapter book to him after my youngest went to bed. It was a way to incorporate some special time with just him in the day. He loved it. I thought at first he was just amusing me to get to stay up later, but after reading to him he would ask questions that proved to me he had been listening. Now he is 6 1/2 and we have read many many chapter books together. It has become a treasured time in which we both look forward to each and every day.

By far the most meaningful books we have read together has been the CS Lewis series, Narnia. We only started these this summer and we are on the 2nd in the series right now. I was hesitant to read these to him, worried they would be too deep, boring, wordy or I would lose his interest. In The Magician's Nephew, the first in the series of 7, there is a very moving chapter about the creation of Narnia. I can't even explain into words what it was like reading this aloud and thinking about God and how he created this world. I never dreamed that my 6 1/2 year old son would make the same connection, but I remember him saying "Mom! That sounds like when God created the Earth!" That alone was a very powerful and moving moment for me.

I am so glad that throughout my life I have had so many examples of great Mothers. From each of them I take different things...I'm so glad Laura gave me this example. It is a true gift in my life that I will treasure forever.

As we finished our chapter of the 2nd in the Narnia Series, "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," last night, Josh got up from the couch and my arms and turned around and said: "Mommy, this just gets funner and funner!" His eyes wide and face lit up. My heart...was full.



books we've read: *The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, The Adventures of Buster Bear, The Boxcar Children books #1, 2, and 3, Superfudge, Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus, Junie B. Jones First Grader at Last, *Junie B. Jones Toothless Wonder, The Tale of Desperaux, *The Miraculous Adventures of Edward Tulane, *The Magician's Nephew, The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe, Charlotte's Web, Peter Pan

*our favorites

Pictures that Captured My Heart

Late June my youngest son, Samuel, turned 4. I have really tried to be diligent about getting pictures made at each birthday and then periodically, get Joshua and Samuel's taken together. Most of the time I go to a typical portrait studio, and they have done a great job, but sometimes they start to all look the same. So, I wanted to do something a little different this year for Sam. Something a little more personal and reflective of who he is as a little boy, and who they are together as brothers.

Almost as soon as Joshua could talk, he was pointing and screaming at the trains we would see. He called railroad crossings signs "ninga ninga's" Since he was only 18 months we have been visiting the Heart of Dixie Railway Museum in Calera, Alabama. A wonderful train museum with running diesel and steam engines, a museum area and a train yard. He loved it every time we went. We even celebrate Christmas there on the "Polar Express" each year, and Thomas the Tank engine also comes there each spring. When Sam was old enough he began to go to. His obsession with trains was as big Joshua's. Most of their childhood so far has been tied to trains. Train toys, tables, movies, parties, books and music. All trains! So I really wanted to have pictures made at this beautiful train museum.

A wonderful, and very talented friend of mine from work very graciously agreed to come with us to take pictures. I had seen some of his work before and knew he would do a great job. Plus, I knew in seeing how he interacted with our patients at work, that he would really be able to get along with Josh and Sam and get to their real personalities in the pictures.

We went on July 3rd, a Saturday and it was a very hot day. Young-Bin came over and got acquainted with the boys for a few minutes, then we all rode together to Calera, only about 20 minutes away. The boys were so excited as soon as we had the Museum in site! We were there for a little over an hour. We intended to ride the train, but they had changed the schedule to only have two runs and we had missed the last one. So we just wondered around the property looking at all the things around.

A few weeks after our fun time at the museum, I got an email from Young-Bin, with 3 of the pictures attached. I opened them and they brought tears to my eyes. I could hardly wait to see the rest of them. He told me he was putting together a book with many of the pictures in it. This Wednesday he brought the book and the CD in to work and gave it to me. I was overwhelmed at the photos. They are exact glimpses of their personalities. The pictures are beautiful and artistic, but personal and meaningful too. So here are some of my favorites:

The train yard is a favorite. We always like to explore all the different ones they are working on.
I love the way Sam is looking at Josh in this picture. It is how he looks at Josh most of the time, as if to say, "What is he doing? Because I want to do that too!"

Since no more runs were scheduled for the day, we had the opportunity to wonder down the track a bit. They loved running and running. It was nice and shady back there so we were able to cool off a little.

Being a Mom of boys, I have learned to pick up all types of critters!

I love this picture because Josh is holding my hand, which is a rarity now that he is 6 years old.


This is Sam's typical questioning face. We see it all the time. I can hear his little voice saying "what? what?"


I love this picture because of the innocent look on Sam's face, and also because of the symbolism of them walking away from me.


They love this old caboose and the lighting in the picture is phenomenal. It is like a piece of art to me.


This is one of the old restored steam engines at the museum. It's beautiful. I am hoping to uses the previous two as art work in their playroom or their rooms.


I love that this one shows how tall Josh is getting and that he lost his two bottom front teeth this summer.


I'm not sure I have a favorite out of all these pictures, but this one sure comes close. I noticed right away how sweaty Sam was here. He and Josh had been running hard down the track. It is again an accurate portrait of how they are each and every day. Sam goes goes goes all day, seemingly endless energy. I love the youngness of his face here.

I could go on and on about each and every one of the nearly 60 photos that Young-Bin took that day. He didn't pose them or set them up, he just took them. And somehow, intuitively knew which moments to catch that were really and true portraits of their personalities. To have these memories to treasure is priceless to me, and a gift.

Big Strong Boy

Tonight, my 6 year old was able to turn my mood completely around. He's so strong and brave, as you can clearly see in his muscle picture here. But it was actually in a moment of fear that he was able to touch my heart. You see I had stomped up to go to bed after fuming over a comment someone made that I allowed to bother me. I was very forcibly brushing my teeth when I heard a little voice behind me say, "Mommy?". It was Joshua. "What is it honey?" If I'm being honest I was annoyed to be disturbed during my fit. "I was feeling a little scared and wondered if I could lay with you for a while in your bed?" I stopped. It suddenly hit my just how fleeting moments like these were going to become in the very near future. So I agreed and picked up a book for us to read together.

We read, "just in case you ever wonder" by Max Lucado. This book is a sweet reminder of how I will always love him and God will always love us. Josh was not surprised by this information, but he was comforted by it. He then told me how excited he was to be with God in heaven one day, and that he knew it was a very special place. I said "How do you know it will be a special place." He told me that God has told him all about it in his dreams. I said "Wow, you must be a very special boy if God talks to you in your dreams." He said "I am a special boy! He talks to me every night Mommy!" And he's right. He is very special. If I could stop and listen to the things God tells me every day, and every night, instead of fuming, throwing a fit, worrying or being pitiful I might hear some amazing things from God. Then again, He knew what he was doing when he gave me these strong boys.

Kindergarten Ends

Unexpectedly the ending of Kindergarten for Joshua has been more emotional for me than sending him to Kindergarten! I'm not sad for him growing up, I enjoy watching him grow and learn. I don't want to keep him in Kindergarten forever. So, I'm not sure what this pang is in the pit of my stomach this week is. I know it started with his end of the year celebration. The kindergarten classes sang, danced and performed for us. Joshua was so excited to show us all he learned and he practiced for weeks. It was adorable. Josh's Kindergarten teacher made us this precious DVD, about 10 minutes long, and I cried the whole time, then after, then on the way home and haven't been right since. All week I have reflected on what an impact his Kindergarten teacher, Miss Lynch has made on our lives. Helping us get Joshua started on the right foot in school, not only academically but socially. She knew exactly how to handle him and has been able to pull the best from him. Tonight I sat down and wrote her a note. I wanted to share it, I know many of my friends are teachers, and being on this side of the situation, at the mercy of someone to be good at their job for the sake of my child, is humbling and makes me so grateful for all the hard work all you teachers do each and every day. So thank you...

Dear Miss Lynch, It wasn't easy to send Joshua on that big yellow bus that day. I distinctly remember the strong urge to follow it. I hadn't had trouble "letting go" before, but this day was different. It marked the beginning of a new era of his childhood and my mommy-hood. I would no longer be his biggest influence. Nor would I be his preferred playmate. I was handing him over to "kindergarten" where he would start his journey of school. I strongly believe that the beginning sets the tone for the rest of these elementary school years - then the difficult intermediate and middle school years and finally those confusing high school years. But, inside, I had a peace that day. All because of the meet the teacher night when you SAW Joshua for WHO he was and from that moment on, you made such a commitment to make sure to get the best out of him. And you did. You're gifted at that. Stern, yet gentle. Structured, but spontaneous and fun. Organized but exciting. You are the definition of a perfect Kindergarten teacher. you know how to teach to the child instead of teaching at him/her. I asked Josh why he loved having you as his teacher. He said " I love Miss Lynch because she is fun!" That says so much to me coming for him. A boy of few words, he doesn't always express positive emotion. But to say he "loves" you means he is comfortable with you, can be himself around you, is not intimidated by you, but respects you. And feels good enough about himself that he can express that feeling. You have helped us get the best start possible for him inihis life of learning. And for that, we are forever grateful. Love, Tabitha Bradley

The Moment I Became a Mother

For nearly a year we waited for the day to come to find out we were pregnant. We had followed the plan, saved money, payed off debt, done all the things we were "supposed" to do before having kids and we were ready. We'd been married for 5 1/2 years. It was time, but not on our time. We would learn that lesson over and over in this journey of parenthood.

On March 30th, 2003 (Ryan's 29th Birthday) I woke up at 5am. I was a few days past my period and decided this would be the day I would take the test. It would either be a exciting birthday gift, or another disappointing discovery. When I looked at the test in the prescribed amount of time and not a second sooner and it was clearly two pink lines, I was in disbelief! I ran to the bedroom to wake Ryan up and tell him the news and I couldn't even speak without letting the tears flow.

Fast forward 9 Months. A long 9 months with morning, afternoon, evening, and nighttime sickness. Forcing myself to eat, barely gaining weight. But still I was happy to be pregnant. I read all the books. Wrote down all the first and was in pure amazement of the miracle of it all. The only thing I really miss about pregnancy is feeling the baby move. It got me through many difficult moments of the pregnancy. That reassuring kick or roll would push me right on through to the next moment.

We decided we would not find out the sex of the baby. I had always thought of it this way and had several reasons why I wanted to wait and felt it would be best for me. One was that I was so worried about the health and well being of the baby, that on that 20 week ultrasound i wanted to totally focus on that and be happy about having a healthy baby. The excitement of it also was fun and kept me going for the pregnancy. But, it bugged lots of folks!

December 3rd was my due date. On Monday November 17th I had my scheduled OB Appointment at 2:30. I went right after a work. I had dialated to 4 and was fully effaced when I arrived and my OB sent me up to labor and delivery.

Things seemed to roll along smoothly. Water broke. Epidural. contractions coming. As they got stronger and stronger though I had several blood pressure drops and lots of nausea. It was miserable for a while. At one point I remember thinking "Can I undo this?" "How can I getta outta this?"

Finally we were on the homestretch and I started to push at 12:30, midnight. Well, we all thought this was going to be a 7 pound baby since I was nearly 3 weeks early. So, we thought it'd be a few pushes then done. Well that was not the plan of the baby. He wanted to start his life, when he wanted to start when he wanted to start. SOoooo over 3 hours later, many epidural adjustments and top offs, screaming, crying, throwing up in between....at 3:44 AM the baby was born. I will never forget the words that came out of my husbands mouth - "IT"S A BOY! IT'S A BOY!" I can't put into words how it felt to hear that from him. It was said exactly as I had imagined it. The first time I would meet my child, and hear my husband, his father announce his arrival. He was overjoyed! And so was I.

This picture was the first time we looked at him, and he looked at us in the face. The nurse was still cleaning him up. We were in awe of the whole thing. Amazed, elated and excited.

November 18th, 2003 at 3:44 am was my first moment as a mother. Joshua Ryan Bradley was 8 pounds 6 ounces and 19 3/4 inches long. And he's been a wonderful adventure since that moment.

Tears...

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."--Washington Irving

Motherhood started for me 6 years ago and tears were frequent. He would cry, I would cry. This went on night after night along with many other now obvious signs of postpartum depression. Being on antidepressants helped with the crying and infact at times has made it hard for me to show emotion of any type.

A few things will bring it out. The birth of our second son. Reliving painful moments from childhood. Arguing with my husband. Feeling like I'm not doing a good job as a mom or a nurse. Losing a patient that I am close to.

Sunday morning, I was getting dressed for church. I knew something wasn't right when Ryan, who was supposed to be getting the boys in van, came to the closet door. "I just got a call from
Kevin. Andrea lost her baby." My heart feel to my stomach, I became instantly nauseous. And the tears came. and they have stayed around as I have grieved the loss of my 4th nephew. All week I have relieved these last few months since finding out that Kevin and Andrea were to have their second child. The "I am going to be a big brother" shirt Justin wore the day they told us. All the updates each week Andrea would give me over the phone about how she was feeling, feeling the baby move and handling Justin while being pregnant. I could hardly contain my excitement as the week approached that we were all to find out whether this would be a little boy or a little girl. Only 5 days away, and we lost the baby.

Trying to imagine what mothers who lose their babies is heart wrenching. I can't even begin to fathom it. It gives me pause, wells my eyes with tears, and my heart with sorrow. I look at my two healthy happy boys, and I am grateful.

Visions of Sugarplums

All of a sudden Christmastime was here, then as quickly as it came it was gone. We spent a day, got the trees out of the attic, put the train out in the front yard to light up, the wreath on the door and the bow on the mailbox. A week I spent on the Christmas cards, addressing, stamping, writing notes and sent them out. About halfway through the season, I wondered why it felt as if I was just going through the motions? Why did I feel separate from all the "joy" of this Christ filled season?

This thought continued to cross my mind through the days and weeks of the holidays. While watching my two young boys, 6 and 3, enjoy all there was to take in about the holidays, I felt as if I was just doing tasks to check off a list, keeping a safe distance from the reality. But what reality? Upper middle class family, two cars, a cat a nice house, two healthy happy boys, what reality was there to be avoiding? It was a familiar feeling, a feeling which I suddenly realized I have had before and it always seemed to be in the winter.

On Christmas Eve I had stayed home all day with the boys. We had planned to go to the Christmas Eve service at the church, then out to eat for supper. The boys were a handful that day. They were bouncing of the walls with excitement for the next morning. I was trying to clean, cook, get presents ready and handle them. And as usual, I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. I was losing my mind with stress that day. At the restaurant Ryan said "you seem really down today, you okay?" I wasn't. It clicked. I wasn't.

In my mind was 10 again. I was living in our junked up, dark single wide trailer with my Mom, Dad and my younger sister. My sister and I were sharing a room as we did until I was 16. It was drafty in that trailer, and smoke filled. On Christmas morning we awoke excited as anyone for Santa to come. I can remember struggling to go to sleep on Christmas Eve. I would think of all the things that were possible on Christmas Day, it was like magic waiting to happen. I would pray to wake up to a different life. One of abundance, instead of sparsity. One of hope instead of dispair. One of joy instead of saddness. One of cleanliness, lots of food, where I could fit in and have lots of clothes to wear to school... But every Christmas I would wake up to the same thing as the day before, but with a stocking with some oranges, apples and walnuts in it and most Christmas' my parents managed to get some things under the tree from Santa. One year it was boxes of I O U's. I cried.

Other than being too overwhelmed, my boys haven't cried, especially out of this deep need I felt. That in itself is a part of the reason I believe I have boys. To heal. And to provide a smile or two on Christmas morning, that's healing.